Hello. You don't know me, but I know you. I see myself in you, all those years ago now when I cried heavy tears and always seemed to be lost, confused, and feeling crazy.
I know the intense love you feel from and for your partner. It's a love that is so deep it cannot possibly be described but only felt. It is all encompassing and it is true, blue, glorious, love. It is a crazy, passionate, euphoric, and sometimes painful to the depths of despair kind of love. It is what is written and sang about it. In its glory, it is the very BEST of what life has to offer and you feel lucky that you have found it.
I know your confusion then when it turns. A switch and everything turns dark. Delusions, disassociation, and anger are suddenly thrust at you. It is incredibly confusing. Where did your lover go? Do they not remember the affection they felt only what seems like yesterday? Do they not remember how they cried big tears watching a movie with you because they felt love for you too that deeply? Why are you now the source of their anger when what seems like just minutes ago you were their muse? Why now are they so unpredictable when they have been so steady?
Yes I see you.
I need you to listen closely. Not the nod your head, take it in, then move on about your day compliance either. I need what I say to SINK in. I say this, because it is literally the difference between staying married and getting divorced. When my husband was dx, a nurse on the unit told me the divorce rate for a couple when one spouse has bipolar disorder is greater than 90%.
GREATER THAN 90%?????
There is reason for that my friends, but the reason, I don't believe, is because people with bipolar suck. The reason I believe, is that their spouses, and society in general does not understand the disorder at all. It's hard. Don't get me wrong, I get it. The disorder affects a person's brain, and it is difficult to tease out who is the person and who is bipolar....but I'm here to tell you, it's possible.
It is difficult to understand, if you don't know, that stressors such as major life changes including: jobs, moving, deaths, and births can send a person with bipolar into an episode.
If you know this though, you can arm yourself with ways to prevent it, or manage it. However, if you don't, you will live a perpetual cycle of not understanding why your spouse is acting a certain way, and you will have no tools to help them and consequently you, work through it.
In therapy, I learned that things I did and said were "triggers." That does not mean anything was "my fault" either. It just meant I was unknowingly contributing to my husband's illness. Let's compare it to diabetes. What if you knew nothing about diabetes and you continued to serve meals and eat at places loaded with sugar. Your spouse got progressively worse, but you didn't know why so you continued to serve these foods. Had you knows these foods were "triggering" diabetes and making it worse, would you continue to serve them and eat at places you knew would make them sicker? I'm willing to bet not. The SAME is true for bipolar disorder.
Take the time to learn about it. I promise you won't regret it. I don't.
Sincerely,
A Happy Wife of 12 years to a husband with Bipolar Disorder
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