It will always be you

Oh boy Ydoc.  Here we go again.  I knew that fateful night you told me you were going off meds this day would come.  I knew because I respected you too much to fight you on something I knew I would do myself.

You've been stable for the last 10 years.  An entire decade really.  After your first manic/psychotic episode you vowed to never stop taking medication again.

Until that night.  I rung my hands and peeled paper off of my beer bottle.

"Why are you nervous?" you asked with genuine concern.

"I"m scared.  We need you."  I replied.

You were so understanding.  This was important to you.  You knew you had it figured out.  You needed sleep.  That was the secret formula.  You were compassionate and understanding of my worry.  What could you do to make me feel better?

We agreed on a "safe word."  A word I could say that would make you go in and get treatment.

Oklahoma

That was the word.

I vowed to never use that word unless I meant it.  You challenged me many times.  When you were mad and raging you dared me to use it.  You demanded I use it.  Rage and anger weren't why I needed the safe word.  I never uttered it between my lips.

This summer, the summer of 2016 was the best yet.  Will you write an album someday?  The summer of 2016?  It would be killer.  It starts with fun, fun, and more fun.  Camping, jetskiing, camping, sand, water, jetskiing, blue sky, warm breeze, tan skin, cold drinks, happy kids, fun friends, new bike....best...summer...ever.

Until

A switch.  Not of the seasons.  Not of a light.  Not of anything I can put into words.  Without warning in 48 hours, I went from having my hot, fun yet responsible and loving husband and father.....to having a manic, psychotic felon, sitting in jail.

How did we get here?

What the fuck happened?

Oh yeah.  You're still bipolar.
Oh yeah.  You still have one of the most severe types of bipolar.
Oh yeah.  Your brain still fights you.

Oh.....yeah.

Sigh

You went off of meds right before school ended in May.  I told a co-worker I was scared and to my surprise I started crying.  I told her though, that if something happened to you, actually, if THIS happened to you and I for some reason, never got you back, I would still consider myself lucky because for 10 years I had THE love of my life.  I had THE time of my life.

Ydoc, you have and always have been my soul mate.  From the moment I saw you it was like a lightening bolt between us.  I tried to deny it at first where you took it and ran, but in the end, how lucky were we?

You are my Cash and I'm your June.