You have bipolar but bipolar is NOT you.

I miss you. I know you think you are broken, and I know you wonder how I can feel safe with you, but that's because I know bipolar is NOT you.

I saw you begin to come undone again.  The second time in 9 months.  I know you tried your very best to hang on.  I know you fought it off as long as you could.  I know my anxiety made you worse. I know I have anxiety, but I also love you so much, and you're so important to this family that I cannot imagine it without you as the head and so I can't help but work myself up into a frenzy.  I'm sorry.

Don't shake your head.  Don't tell me you're not the strong one.  Don't let bipolar define you.  You amaze me everyday.  You're determination through the midst of such a difficult disorder makes you the strongest person I know.  Somehow, even with the weight of depression you get up and go to work each day.  Somehow, even when you're manic and your fuse is short, you manage to take a step back and come back even better.  When you had to go back to work after a hospitalization, you bravely woke up that morning and marched into work.  You never once complained.

That is strength.  That is brave.

You know what else is brave?  You were in the midst of a manic episode, and when almost every doctor and informational text about mania says the individual in the midst of an episode lacks insight, you got in the car and voluntarily went to the hospital.  I saw you fight back tears.  I saw you fight back the demons overtaking your brain.  What's more, is I know you were able to do it, you were able to defy those odds, those text book descriptions, because of your love for me and our children.

I hope you're not mad at me.  If you are though, I have to accept that consequence, because honestly it's better than what the alternative would have been....which was jail for you and my kids not seeing their dad (their AWESOME AWESOME dad) for a year.  Don't be mad at me. Please.  There is no manual and I'm doing the best I can.  All I know is I love you and miss you and didn't want you to go the hospital either, but I'd rather you be there than in jail.  You don't belong in jail.  You're the victim. The victim of a brain that turns against you.

I will always love you.  It will always be you.  I will always miss you when you're gone and feel happy and safe when you are home.

The house is empty without you.  I leave a light on......