Hello. You don't know me, but I know you. I see myself in you, all those years ago now when I cried heavy tears and always seemed to be lost, confused, and feeling crazy.
I know the intense love you feel from and for your partner. It's a love that is so deep it cannot possibly be described but only felt. It is all encompassing and it is true, blue, glorious, love. It is a crazy, passionate, euphoric, and sometimes painful to the depths of despair kind of love. It is what is written and sang about it. In its glory, it is the very BEST of what life has to offer and you feel lucky that you have found it.
I know your confusion then when it turns. A switch and everything turns dark. Delusions, disassociation, and anger are suddenly thrust at you. It is incredibly confusing. Where did your lover go? Do they not remember the affection they felt only what seems like yesterday? Do they not remember how they cried big tears watching a movie with you because they felt love for you too that deeply? Why are you now the source of their anger when what seems like just minutes ago you were their muse? Why now are they so unpredictable when they have been so steady?
Yes I see you.
I need you to listen closely. Not the nod your head, take it in, then move on about your day compliance either. I need what I say to SINK in. I say this, because it is literally the difference between staying married and getting divorced. When my husband was dx, a nurse on the unit told me the divorce rate for a couple when one spouse has bipolar disorder is greater than 90%.
GREATER THAN 90%?????
There is reason for that my friends, but the reason, I don't believe, is because people with bipolar suck. The reason I believe, is that their spouses, and society in general does not understand the disorder at all. It's hard. Don't get me wrong, I get it. The disorder affects a person's brain, and it is difficult to tease out who is the person and who is bipolar....but I'm here to tell you, it's possible.
It is difficult to understand, if you don't know, that stressors such as major life changes including: jobs, moving, deaths, and births can send a person with bipolar into an episode.
If you know this though, you can arm yourself with ways to prevent it, or manage it. However, if you don't, you will live a perpetual cycle of not understanding why your spouse is acting a certain way, and you will have no tools to help them and consequently you, work through it.
In therapy, I learned that things I did and said were "triggers." That does not mean anything was "my fault" either. It just meant I was unknowingly contributing to my husband's illness. Let's compare it to diabetes. What if you knew nothing about diabetes and you continued to serve meals and eat at places loaded with sugar. Your spouse got progressively worse, but you didn't know why so you continued to serve these foods. Had you knows these foods were "triggering" diabetes and making it worse, would you continue to serve them and eat at places you knew would make them sicker? I'm willing to bet not. The SAME is true for bipolar disorder.
Take the time to learn about it. I promise you won't regret it. I don't.
Sincerely,
A Happy Wife of 12 years to a husband with Bipolar Disorder
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Words matter when it comes to suicide prevention
September is suicide prevention month. I find it remarkable that just 2 years ago I barely noticed it was suicide prevention month. In fact, I don't think I noticed at all. September was Labor Day camping, back to school, Fall leaves, pumpkin spice and everything nice.
On January 18th 2016, my dear friend of 20 years died by suicide. Since that time, I became acutely aware of not only needing a suicide prevention month like September, but the desperate need we have for this country to take mental health seriously. Mental health disorders kill people. It seems the prevailing dogma has been to blame the victim of a suicide. We say things like they "committed" suicide. We talk about how they fought "demons."
No
These words may seem harmless, but words matter, just like my friend Sarah mattered; and I refuse to be quiet. Let's take a person battling cancer. If they are to die from it, we don't say they committed death. We blame cancer. Cancer killed them. If they are lucky enough to live, we (rightfully) talk about how strong they were for winning the battle. Why do we refuse then to do the same with mental illness? Mental illness affects a person's BRAIN. It affects thought processes and mood. It can distort reality. If you are a person with a mental illness, I believe you would categorize it as a "battle" you fight every day, but instead of being called strong, society says you are weak.
No
There's a lot of work to be done as we all know it regard to mental health care, but it starts here.
With words.
Imagine how perspective might change and the urgency people would feel when instead of blaming the victim and saying they "committed suicide" we say something even bolder.
Depression killed them.
Bipolar killed them.
Do these statements shock you? If they do, ask yourself why?
What if, instead of saying they couldn't fight their "demons" any longer, we call it what it is and say they lost their battle with mental illness. What if, instead of implying these people are weak, we celebrate them for being STRONG. We encourage them to go on because we recognize they find an inner strength every day.
Imagine then, when we hear when loved and celebrated people like Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, and Chris Cornell die, the world will not respond with "how could they do it?" or "why did they do it?" and instead respond like they would if it were ANY other illness or tragedy that caused death. If this happens, perspective will shift. Suicide will no longer be blamed on the victim and mental illness will be treated like any other illness that has the ability to cause death.
Yes.
Words matter.
Mental Health matters.
People matter.
Sarah mattered.
You matter.
September is suicide awareness month.
On January 18th 2016, my dear friend of 20 years died by suicide. Since that time, I became acutely aware of not only needing a suicide prevention month like September, but the desperate need we have for this country to take mental health seriously. Mental health disorders kill people. It seems the prevailing dogma has been to blame the victim of a suicide. We say things like they "committed" suicide. We talk about how they fought "demons."
No
These words may seem harmless, but words matter, just like my friend Sarah mattered; and I refuse to be quiet. Let's take a person battling cancer. If they are to die from it, we don't say they committed death. We blame cancer. Cancer killed them. If they are lucky enough to live, we (rightfully) talk about how strong they were for winning the battle. Why do we refuse then to do the same with mental illness? Mental illness affects a person's BRAIN. It affects thought processes and mood. It can distort reality. If you are a person with a mental illness, I believe you would categorize it as a "battle" you fight every day, but instead of being called strong, society says you are weak.
No
There's a lot of work to be done as we all know it regard to mental health care, but it starts here.
With words.
Imagine how perspective might change and the urgency people would feel when instead of blaming the victim and saying they "committed suicide" we say something even bolder.
Depression killed them.
Bipolar killed them.
Do these statements shock you? If they do, ask yourself why?
What if, instead of saying they couldn't fight their "demons" any longer, we call it what it is and say they lost their battle with mental illness. What if, instead of implying these people are weak, we celebrate them for being STRONG. We encourage them to go on because we recognize they find an inner strength every day.
Imagine then, when we hear when loved and celebrated people like Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, and Chris Cornell die, the world will not respond with "how could they do it?" or "why did they do it?" and instead respond like they would if it were ANY other illness or tragedy that caused death. If this happens, perspective will shift. Suicide will no longer be blamed on the victim and mental illness will be treated like any other illness that has the ability to cause death.
Yes.
Words matter.
Mental Health matters.
People matter.
Sarah mattered.
You matter.
September is suicide awareness month.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Book Recommendation: Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder
In the early stages of my husband's diagnosis, I was lost. Actually, I think we both were lost. I didn't understand what it meant. I didn't understand why he loved me and could be so hurtful at the same time, and I didn't know how to love him back. It always seemed like we were fighting. That was before I learned the terms like triggered, what works list, and boundaries, to name a few.
The book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie Fast and John Preston was INSTRUMENTAL in helping me not only maintain, but make better the relationship with my husband. The book is designed for both partners to read; however, I read it alone and still found it to be substantially helpful.
I am happy to answer any questions about the book if you want to contact me, or to even do a book review if there is much interest. Long story short, if you love someone with bipolar disorder, read this book. It's fantastic.
The book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie Fast and John Preston was INSTRUMENTAL in helping me not only maintain, but make better the relationship with my husband. The book is designed for both partners to read; however, I read it alone and still found it to be substantially helpful.
I am happy to answer any questions about the book if you want to contact me, or to even do a book review if there is much interest. Long story short, if you love someone with bipolar disorder, read this book. It's fantastic.
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