A perfect holiday

The secret life of bipolar is a life of extremes. It took therapy and a lot of personal development to learn how not to jump on the extreme train with my husband.  Bipolar will always be a part of our life.  It is there whether we want it to be there or not.  It is there, whether we wish it away or not. 

Eight months ago my daughter turned 10 and my husband was in a psych ward at a hospital in a neighboring state.  He was in mental anguish as he battled a mind that had been hijacked.  Eight months ago I found myself a single parent gathering all the birthday supplies, decorating the house, cooking the food, ensuring the traditions, and hosting a party on my own.  In the midst of the obvious absence, I stuffed my own feelings to be strong and joyful for my sweet daughter with special needs who had been waiting for months now to be 10! 

I made it as normal as possible.  There was a balloon run in the hallway, she had a candle in her pancake, she opened the gifts from us first. Before his hospitalization my husband managed to buy her an ipad mini.  To this day it's her most prized gift.  The loss of him not being able to see her open it was enormous.  I took a video that to this day I don't think he's watched.  The pain of what he missed too much to bear.

I was told by hospital staff that the knowledge that he had missed his daughter's 10th birthday set him back days from getting better.  He was completely distraught - yet his brain was still so sick and in out of lucidity.

Today was Father's Day - eight months later.  I hosted and smiled the entire morning.  I cleaned as usual, but he set up the canopy, the patio furniture, cleaned the kitchen and lent a hand wherever he could.  He also cooked all the hamburgers.  He laughed and he told jokes, and everyone commented quietly to me at various points how he seemed so "normal" and back to his old self.

A brief surge of panic welled in me.  Oh no.  He's feeling good and people think he's normal.  That means he's on his way to mania, my brain would worry.  But he's also sleeping through the night and sleeping in and finally taking Lithium, my other brain would say.  It's okay Laura.  It's okay. 

I once had a wife of a bipolar 1 spouse tell me, "Laura enjoy the good.  Enjoy the happy.  This illness robs so much, don't let it rob the good times too."  I think about that often and try and change my thought patterns to that of gratitude and happiness in the present moment. 

So yes.  Today was a perfect day, in a perfect way in our life with bipolar.

To the tribe whose member was suicidal

I'm part of a tribe I never thought I'd be in.

When my daughter was diagnosed with a speech disability, my world was turned upside down.  Struggling through the diagnosis and fight for services was demoralizing and exhausting.  Not to mention the emotional, financial, and marital strain that no one ever talks about. 

Having a child brings challenges, but having a child with special needs magnifies challenges. I remember feeling so alone.  I remember feeling like no one understood my life but me and it was an emotionally torturing place to be in. 

I found a tribe I never knew existed. 

I easily connected via a social media platform with others who had children who shared my same diagnosis.  Through these connections I was inspired to coordinate a walk for my child and others who shared her same diagnosis.  A team was formed of parents who shared the same vision, and a network....or tribe....was formed that was strong and unbreakable. 

I found a tribe I never knew we needed.

The purpose of the tribe was to spread awareness and celebrate our children who shared the same diagnosis.  Organized fundraising events and happy hours were scheduled and bonds were made.  There is an immediate and indescribable connection when a human meets another human going through the same thing and as C.S. Lewis describes it, "You too? I thought I was the only one." 

After some time a member of the tribe was afflicted with mental illness in the form of anxiety and depression..  The tribe I knew was there to support her son, suddenly rose up and supported HER. 

Find your tribe and love them hard.

A mom in our tribe had anxiety and depression.  It was something some of us knew, but never actually experienced.  This year, anxiety and depression came back knocking on this mom's door, and her tribe, her son's disability tribe rallied around her.  Cards and gift cards were sent.  Phone calls and texts were made since we now know that people in the throws of depression won't reach out. More texts were sent.  Support was poured out.  Love enveloped her son with special needs and a beauty and kindness many people fail to see in the world was uncovered.  Uncovered, right here in a tribe that was formed outside of mental illness.

Mental illness needs a tribe. 

Mental illness is as real as cancer.  It can be sneaky, it can be stealth, and IT IS DEADLY. Mental illness kills.  The brain lies to a person with mental illness.  Mental illness inflicts pain and ill information on the afflicted.  A tribe can counteract that lie.  A tribe can rally and save the person suffering from themselves. Stigma is the enemy of mental illness. Acceptance, understanding, and a TRIBE of loved ones is the cure.

A life was saved this month.  A life who was valued by an entire tribe who reached out. 

Reach out.  

Don't judge.

Just love. 

Save a life.

I miss you

"Why do you love me and what can I do to keep this?" my husband asked one day when I was feeling enraptured and in love.  Not knowing how to respond, I responded simply, "you're you and I love YOU."

Your face got a serious tone and you commented that you are always you but these days I seemed to be particulary in love and you wanted to know why so you could replicate them.  I really didn't have an answer except to say,

"I love you.  I don't love depression or mania.  I'm not in love with them.  But I have an always will be in love with the real Cody.

"That doesn't make me feel better," was your reply.

I didn't know what else to say.  I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, but at the same time depressed Cody is apathetic and manic Cody is mean......why would  like them?