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Sunday, October 27, 2019

Mania, book dedication, and true love

About a month and a half after a brief marital spat, my hsuband with bipolar 1 ended up in the hospital.  Ironically, a month and a half ago I did not think he was sick, but my daughter was beside herself with anxiety.  I wrote about explaining to her that he was just mad and not sick, but turns out she was right, and I was wrong.

My daughter has special needs arising from a genetic mutation called BCL11A.  She may struggle with socially accepted forms of learning, but emotional intelligence is her superpower. She knew before all of us.

Around this time, I published a book I wrote.  It was the story of my daughter overcoming her speech disability, a disability in which I happen to now specialize.  My husband encouraged me to write a book, and I did during depressive episodes of his spanning the course of 3 years. In those three years, he also suffered 4 manic/psychotic episodes.  Signs of mania can include anger and irritability.  I know this because I've been to counseling and read books.  My daughter, who has no training knew it before all of us.

"He yelled at you, his brain is sick!" she told me frantically.  I assured her he was just mad at me and not to worry.  People get mad and it's okay.  It doesn't mean he's sick.  She wouldn't have it.  "He yells at you when he's sick mommy!" she would press.  I validated that he does yell at me when he's sick, but that he's not sick and he was just mad.  Turns out she was right and I was wrong.

During this particular episode he set off on a Friday afternoon.  He had been at Denny's since 2 AM that morning and then went to work early.  We were on Fall break, but usually Fridays were his day to get the kids to school since I work early.  He had me drop them off at work and then he took them to my parents house. They reported he was overly talkative and my mom shared he had stared at her but was staring through her.  I know now, he was likely experiencing hallucinations.

From there he left and returned to work but left at lunch to "work from home" and ended up at a Dodge dealership where he was contemplating buying a new truck. The salesman, my friend, reported he was cool and calm and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except that he was talking about my new book and how proud he was.

That night he was gone.  He had driven up to Wyoming, ditched my parent's loaner car on the side of the road and was walking to only God knows where.  He lost the car keys, his debit card, and anything else on his person.......except my book.

I only found that out when he was about 11 days into an inpatient stay.  "I'm reading your book and I can hear your voice in the words," he said to me. Incredulous I exclaimed, "You have my book???"  How?? You lost everything on your person but you have my book??"

"I'm so proud of you, Laura," was his reply.  I wept because not even my own parents or family members bought or read the book yet.  I texted a friend who knew the situation and her reply was, "Wow, you really did dedicate it to the right person."




Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Hope for the future and more hurt feelings

"I've had enough.  Get a big boy job by the time the kids go to school or I'm out."

Those are fighting words, but I wasn't interested in a fight.  They were truthful words.  I truly had had ENOUGH.

Enough of being the sole provider.

Enough of being the only worried where money was going to come from.

Enough of feeling completely overwhelmed.

Enough of his sickness ruling our household.

ENOUGH

I truly meant it too.

Right before schools started in August 2019, he got an engineering job.

I thought I could literally feel a ton of bricks sliding off of my shoulders.

It feels different this time too. It feels like the time before he enjoyed 10 years of stability free from  hospitalizations.  It feels like that is on the horizon again.  I can literally see the glimmer of dawn. I haven't see that in at least three years.  We have had "seasons" of wellness, but sadly they never felt built to last.

This time may be different.  Only tell though will tell.

Tonight  we were fighting over his 40th birthday.  I brought up he should do something special, but was disappointed to learn his "something special" had no plans with us in it. I was sad, but if it's what he wanted I still wanted him to do it.  So many people celebrate having no kids around.  I love my alone time don't get me wrong....but I don't need or want an entire vacation away from my kids.  He says I misunderstood. He was only talking about a day trip with some guys in the backcountry snowboarding.  I could have misunderstood.  Maybe he did want a trip with his family.  Either way....

Ashlynn started crying.  Both kids were watching.  There they were, standing in the middle looking at Cody while we were fighting.  When he went outside, Jace retreated to his room to make cards for us, and Ashlynn started crying.  She started talking about when daddy's brain gets sick.  I told her he wasn't sick, just angry, but she kept going about how he yells when he's sick.

I was struck in that moment how acutely aware they are too of signs.  Are they waiting for the other shoe to drop?  Do they live with anxiety?  I told her daddy does yell when he's sick but right now he's not mad.  She insisted about hospital stays and doctors until I told her,

"Ashlynn, do you trust me?"

She shook her head yes, so I pressed on.

"I have never lied to you.  If daddy is sick, I tell you he's sick.  Right now I am telling you that he is just mad.  He's not sick ok, but if he were sick, I promise I would tell you."

She seemed okay with this answer and hugged me.

Bipolar is a family affair.

Edited to add - Ashlynn was right.  She predicted his impending episode only a short month later on October 18th of 2019.  https://lovingageniusmind.blogspot.com/2019/10/mania-book-dedication-and-true-love.html