Eight months ago my daughter turned 10 and my husband was in a psych ward at a hospital in a neighboring state. He was in mental anguish as he battled a mind that had been hijacked. Eight months ago I found myself a single parent gathering all the birthday supplies, decorating the house, cooking the food, ensuring the traditions, and hosting a party on my own. In the midst of the obvious absence, I stuffed my own feelings to be strong and joyful for my sweet daughter with special needs who had been waiting for months now to be 10!
I made it as normal as possible. There was a balloon run in the hallway, she had a candle in her pancake, she opened the gifts from us first. Before his hospitalization my husband managed to buy her an ipad mini. To this day it's her most prized gift. The loss of him not being able to see her open it was enormous. I took a video that to this day I don't think he's watched. The pain of what he missed too much to bear.
I was told by hospital staff that the knowledge that he had missed his daughter's 10th birthday set him back days from getting better. He was completely distraught - yet his brain was still so sick and in out of lucidity.
Today was Father's Day - eight months later. I hosted and smiled the entire morning. I cleaned as usual, but he set up the canopy, the patio furniture, cleaned the kitchen and lent a hand wherever he could. He also cooked all the hamburgers. He laughed and he told jokes, and everyone commented quietly to me at various points how he seemed so "normal" and back to his old self.
A brief surge of panic welled in me. Oh no. He's feeling good and people think he's normal. That means he's on his way to mania, my brain would worry. But he's also sleeping through the night and sleeping in and finally taking Lithium, my other brain would say. It's okay Laura. It's okay.
I once had a wife of a bipolar 1 spouse tell me, "Laura enjoy the good. Enjoy the happy. This illness robs so much, don't let it rob the good times too." I think about that often and try and change my thought patterns to that of gratitude and happiness in the present moment.
So yes. Today was a perfect day, in a perfect way in our life with bipolar.
