"I've had enough. Get a big boy job by the time the kids go to school or I'm out."
Those are fighting words, but I wasn't interested in a fight. They were truthful words. I truly had had ENOUGH.
Enough of being the sole provider.
Enough of being the only worried where money was going to come from.
Enough of feeling completely overwhelmed.
Enough of his sickness ruling our household.
ENOUGH
I truly meant it too.
Right before schools started in August 2019, he got an engineering job.
I thought I could literally feel a ton of bricks sliding off of my shoulders.
It feels different this time too. It feels like the time before he enjoyed 10 years of stability free from hospitalizations. It feels like that is on the horizon again. I can literally see the glimmer of dawn. I haven't see that in at least three years. We have had "seasons" of wellness, but sadly they never felt built to last.
This time may be different. Only tell though will tell.
Tonight we were fighting over his 40th birthday. I brought up he should do something special, but was disappointed to learn his "something special" had no plans with us in it. I was sad, but if it's what he wanted I still wanted him to do it. So many people celebrate having no kids around. I love my alone time don't get me wrong....but I don't need or want an entire vacation away from my kids. He says I misunderstood. He was only talking about a day trip with some guys in the backcountry snowboarding. I could have misunderstood. Maybe he did want a trip with his family. Either way....
Ashlynn started crying. Both kids were watching. There they were, standing in the middle looking at Cody while we were fighting. When he went outside, Jace retreated to his room to make cards for us, and Ashlynn started crying. She started talking about when daddy's brain gets sick. I told her he wasn't sick, just angry, but she kept going about how he yells when he's sick.
I was struck in that moment how acutely aware they are too of signs. Are they waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do they live with anxiety? I told her daddy does yell when he's sick but right now he's not mad. She insisted about hospital stays and doctors until I told her,
"Ashlynn, do you trust me?"
She shook her head yes, so I pressed on.
"I have never lied to you. If daddy is sick, I tell you he's sick. Right now I am telling you that he is just mad. He's not sick ok, but if he were sick, I promise I would tell you."
She seemed okay with this answer and hugged me.
Bipolar is a family affair.
Edited to add - Ashlynn was right. She predicted his impending episode only a short month later on October 18th of 2019. https://lovingageniusmind.blogspot.com/2019/10/mania-book-dedication-and-true-love.html
