Sometimes, is it as though time stands still. Never a fan of birthdays, it’s ironic I can
remember so many of them with you. I
have so many memories of our 20 year friendship. If I close my eyes, I remember you standing
tall and proud in our high-school demanding attention with a tie wrapped around
your forehead for spirit week. In a
world where everyone, including myself, just wanted to fit in; you ensured you
stood out. Always pushing on, moving
forward and finding
a reason to stay.
We had AP classes together our senior year of high-school. I was your match when it came to English and
writing, but you were my cheat sheet when it came to chemistry and
science. Because of you, high school was
fun and full of laughs and adventures; although I didn’t always realize deep
inside you were some days searching for
a reason to stay.
We decided to go to the same college and earn our bachelor
degrees. We drove the metropolitan train
line and impressed ourselves with our newly found independence and our success
at adulthood. Boyfriends, heartbreaks,
clubs and shoulders to cry on, I’m so thankful you always were there and found
a reason to stay.
From college graduates, to newlyweds, to mothers; we shared
the joys life had to offer. Faithfully
taking pictures and documenting it for each other, we had moved onto the next
stage of life and easily found
a reason to stay.
You had kids before me and I remember being annoyed and
maybe slightly jealous of your instant enamor with all things baby and
kids. You would proudly boast and post
pictures of your precious and precocious babe, living, seeing, and experiencing
life again through new wonderful, true, curious, and wander lust eyes. Once I
had my first born, I joined in on the fun and was ever so thankful I could
share this time of life of you and that you continued to find
a reason to stay.
Dark days had always come through this 20 year
timeline. Not privy to them all, I think
you at times, got better at hiding the intrusive thoughts that would threaten
to hijack your mind. However, I only
became more fooled that everything was fine.
A long, two years brought changes and actions I didn’t recognize. Though I tried to reach out I didn’t know
how; and when I did, I was met with venom and backlash. Confused, I would reach one hand out only to
have two slapped back. I didn’t want to
make it worse, but I also didn’t know you were struggling to find
a reason to stay.
After taking you to the hospital and calling your sisters;
my concern was met with outrage and I started to feel I was causing you more
pain. Had I known then what I know today
about depression, I would have not left you alone because I thought it was what
you wanted. I would have kept annoyingly
reaching out because I would have known you were losing yourself and losing
sight of
reasons to stay.
You died by suicide almost a year later. I still remember
the exact chair and the exact room I was sitting in, when your sister called
me. You articulate sister, gifted in words
as brilliantly as you; was wailing on the other end that you had died. It was not a human cry. It was the sound of grief itself manifested
in human voice.
My dear friend, my 6’3’’ Amazonian goddess of a best friend;
I wish I would have known the extent of your struggle. I had no idea you were fighting a battle
every day in which you were trying to find
a reason to stay.
Had I known then all I have learned now, things might have
been different. Save me a seat on the
other side. Love you.
