A reason to stay

Sometimes, is it as though time stands still.  Never a fan of birthdays, it’s ironic I can remember so many of them with you.  I have so many memories of our 20 year friendship.  If I close my eyes, I remember you standing tall and proud in our high-school demanding attention with a tie wrapped around your forehead for spirit week.  In a world where everyone, including myself, just wanted to fit in; you ensured you stood out.  Always pushing on, moving forward and finding

a reason to stay.

We had AP classes together our senior year of high-school.  I was your match when it came to English and writing, but you were my cheat sheet when it came to chemistry and science.  Because of you, high school was fun and full of laughs and adventures; although I didn’t always realize deep inside you were some days searching for

a reason to stay.

We decided to go to the same college and earn our bachelor degrees.  We drove the metropolitan train line and impressed ourselves with our newly found independence and our success at adulthood.  Boyfriends, heartbreaks, clubs and shoulders to cry on, I’m so thankful you always were there and found

a reason to stay.

From college graduates, to newlyweds, to mothers; we shared the joys life had to offer.  Faithfully taking pictures and documenting it for each other, we had moved onto the next stage of life and easily found

a reason to stay.

You had kids before me and I remember being annoyed and maybe slightly jealous of your instant enamor with all things baby and kids.  You would proudly boast and post pictures of your precious and precocious babe, living, seeing, and experiencing life again through new wonderful, true, curious, and wander lust eyes. Once I had my first born, I joined in on the fun and was ever so thankful I could share this time of life of you and that you continued to find

a reason to stay.

Dark days had always come through this 20 year timeline.  Not privy to them all, I think you at times, got better at hiding the intrusive thoughts that would threaten to hijack your mind.  However, I only became more fooled that everything was fine.  A long, two years brought changes and actions I didn’t recognize.  Though I tried to reach out I didn’t know how; and when I did, I was met with venom and backlash.  Confused, I would reach one hand out only to have two slapped back.  I didn’t want to make it worse, but I also didn’t know you were struggling to find

a reason to stay.

After taking you to the hospital and calling your sisters; my concern was met with outrage and I started to feel I was causing you more pain.  Had I known then what I know today about depression, I would have not left you alone because I thought it was what you wanted.  I would have kept annoyingly reaching out because I would have known you were losing yourself and losing sight of

reasons to stay. 

You died by suicide almost a year later. I still remember the exact chair and the exact room I was sitting in, when your sister called me.  You articulate sister, gifted in words as brilliantly as you; was wailing on the other end that you had died.    It was not a human cry.  It was the sound of grief itself manifested in human voice. 

My dear friend, my 6’3’’ Amazonian goddess of a best friend; I wish I would have known the extent of your struggle.  I had no idea you were fighting a battle every day in which you were trying to find

a reason to stay.  

Had I known then all I have learned now, things might have been different.  Save me a seat on the other side. Love you.